I have posted about forgiveness in the past in this blog about how it is something I have always struggled with and I still seem to struggle with it. I really can carry a grudge for a long time against those I feel have wronged or hurt me in someway, whether they are aware of it or not. I have always had trouble letting go of my feelings over something or someone. I have had trouble letting go of hurt and angry feelings. I would think well they caused me hurt in someway so now they need to be hurt in someway too. I would think why should I forgive them they should be the one apologizing to me they hurt me first they are the one that did me wrong first and caused me pain or betrayed me in some way. I would feel like they started it - it was their fault not mine so why should I forgive them for something they did to me? Why should I forgive them for the hurt they caused me, the wrong they did to me, why should I forgive? I would hold on to these harsh and angry thoughts toward them. I would feel bitterness and resentment toward them while they just seem to move on with their life not even seeming like they even cared about how much they hurt me/did me wrong. I wanted to get back at people. I wanted them to hurt like I hurt because I felt like it was only fair since they hurt me and caused me pain.
To me forgiving is very hard. It always has been. Like, I said I have held grudges against others for a long time. I have held on to anger and resentment and jealousy feelings toward others. It is hard to forgive someone for hurting you or someone who keeps hurting you. I would feel like forgiving meant I was saying what they did to me was okay and to me what they did wasn't okay or fair to me. I would feel like what they did was hurtful or mean or cruel and I thought forgiving them meant I was weak and that I was condoning what they did. I thought if I forgave them that it would be like I was saying what they did was okay. It definitely takes a lot of strength to forgive someone that maybe you don't think deserves forgiving. Forgiveness is definitely not for the weak.
I am not even good at forgiving myself. I think to some things I have said and done. I have said and done some really awful and mean things. I feel like I don't really deserve forgiveness either for some awful and mean things I have done or said. I would question how can I forgive others when I have trouble forgiving myself for stuff I have said or done. If I don't even think I am worthy of forgiveness then are the one ones that hurt me worthy of forgiveness? I am usually much harsher on myself though but I still have struggled with forgiving others. But there are some things I have said and done that I feel doesn't deserve forgiveness.
I have been thinking a lot about forgiveness lately and letting go of some anger, bitterness, resentment, hurt, and jealousy feelings I had been holding onto. I have heard people say forgiving isn't for those that hurt us or wronged us but rather instead, forgiveness is for ourselves, so we can release and let go of feelings that are just holding us back.
I have been so angry at anyone that has ever hurt me or done me wrong in some way whether they were aware of it or not. I was angry at anyone for any hurtful things they did or said. I was angry at others for not understanding me at times or for giving up on me, leaving me behind, neglecting me, abandoning me, not including me in stuff, not loving me or appreciating me, not wanting me or just rejecting me in some way, for putting me down or criticizing me in some way, etc. But, I see and feel that doing that isn't helping or changing anything. I realize that I need to release myself from all those negative feelings I am feeling toward people that I feel have hurt me and wronged me in some way. I need to forgive for myself not for them. So that is what I am doing, I forgive them.
I am not saying what they did was okay or right. I don't condone what they did or said to me as being okay. But, I am accepting it happened, it hurt me/affected me but what is done is done and I can't change it and I wont continue letting it keep hurting me and holding me back. I wont let what they said or did or all the hurt I felt from it continue holding me captive. I wont allow what they did cause me to stay an angry, bitter, resentful, jealous person. I have good inside me, I know I do. I can do good things, I can help others and do positive and productive things. I can make a difference. I can make a change for the better for myself and for others. I know I have it in me. I know I can fight this struggle and overcome it. I can be a forgiving person. I can let go of the hurt and the anger. I can and I will go on with my life.
I forgive!!!! It is very hard for me to do but I can find the strength to forgive, let go, and move on. I am not saying that what others did was okay. I am forgiving because I deserve to live a life without feeling so much pent up hate, anger, resentment, and jealousy inside of me. I deserve to be happy and not feel so much rage. I have so much love I can give but I couldn't do that because it was being suffocated by my negative feelings I kept holding on to that I felt toward others. You can't get rid of hate and anger with more hate and anger. You can't fight evil by being evil. You can only get rid of it with love and forgiveness. You can't have love without forgiveness and you can't give forgiveness without love. So I forgive others for myself. I forgive others even if others can't or never forgives me. I forgive them even if they are not sorry for what they did or said, I still forgive.
Some great articles/blogs I read about on the topic of forgiveness. I would recommend them to anyone, they are worth the read, very inspiring.
http://faithandmeow.wordpress.com/2012/06/14/forgiveness/ and
http://emotionallifecoaching.com/spiritual-development/why-is-it-so-important-to-fogive/
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Cameron Diaz
Rozonda "Chili Thomas from TLC
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